Okay, I promise, promise, PROMISE that this won't be depressing.
Yes, I'm still mad that she was trying to hide the fact she had a boyfriend from me. But I shouldn't have said that I hated her. I was just so upset and hurt that I blew up.  If I could see or contact her I'd want to apologize over and over again. Yes, I still love her, and yes I'm still sad that it didn't work for us. That will never go away, and neither will the guilt of the pain I caused others.
But tonight... tonight a dream I had since I was really little came true.
Remember that guy that I was crazy about? Well, during my break down during the past couple weeks, I started to talk to him. I didn't know why, but I told him that I was feeling like the worst person in the world. He asked why and at first I was afraid to say anything.  It's hard to tell an old crush that you just broke up from a long and serious relationship, let alone one from someone of the same gender as you in a society that discourages that kind of thing. But he kept asking, so I tried being as subtle as possible. He kept assuring me that I wasn't worthless or evil or as dumb as I thought I was. "How can you say that?" I texted, and all the memories about the guilt and betrayal I've caused people started to scream at me. How do you know? How do you know when it's been years since we've lived close enough to really know each other? How do you know when I've been so cowardly, so selfish, so insecure, and so insensitive that I feel like the world  would be better off without someone like me? How can you say that when I'm like this?
His reply was just that we should hang out soon. I didn't know what to say at first. I know that my ex had tried to get me to think about him and how she knew I loved him because of how many times I've cried over him before we started going out.  I didn't want to be, well, frankly, like how she was and just move on to someone else so quickly. But I remembered that, to me, he wasn't interested in me. He's dated and known so many girls, and I felt so plain, I didn't want to compete. I said I would, because at that moment I didn't need nor did I want to feel loved, not after what was happening. I wanted to talk to someone, a friend, who would just listen to all the shit that's been stuck in my head, to not judge me or think less of me because I was bi, and really to just help me forget about the constant pain I've been feeling for three long months.
So, today was our hang-out day. We went bowling, talked about anime, and for a while I was feeling better. But I knew that, like at school, everytime I was alone with my thoughts I would start hating myself again. I scratched my arms a little earlier that day so I had some scars, but I didn't show him. My mom and my friends all knew and hated when I scratched myself, but I've done it so much I do it without thinking. I didn't want another person to worry when I've already got so many problems.
After we bowled, we went back to my neighborhood. For some reason he wanted to stop at the park, and again being as dense as I am I didn't think it was a big deal. We went to the playground and he asked how I was feeling.
I was quiet, but I admitted that things had gotten worse. I told him she already had someone else already and about how upset I was that she was trying to hide it. And, lo and behold, my emotions got the better of me and I started tearing up. He hugged me and I just stood there, hugging him back and trying to swallow the giant lump in my throat. After that... I don't know what happened. I told him everything about how I felt for him ever since we were like, in kindergarten.  That was the first time I had the guts to say it.
And then...
Then...
Oh my God, I'm still shocked and amazed by it.
He, and I... we... we kissed.
I was only telling him because I thought after all this time and how nice he was to me that he deserved to know, and that would be that.
But......bdgdhgjuyttrrewaadfbjuippg
...Yeah, my brain pretty much exploded.
I don't know how to describe how I felt besides I had to keep constantly checking that I was awake and this wasn't my subconscious trying to screw with me. But it happened. I told him I loved him and he, more or less, returned my feelings. He didn't say it exactly as I did, but I felt it. And I turned into a giddy blushing idiot.
Even now, I'm still shaking and excited about it.
It...just...wow.
After that, we talked some more. Then we went back to the car to warm up, and the Beetles came on. I felt that emotion come back again when the lyrics to "Hey Jude" came on. I wasn't sad or guilty, though. I was... relieved.  And later, when I got home, I felt so, so ashamed of the words I said in my last journal. Though it still hurts to think about her, I know I can't hate her, and I want to mend our friendship. I'll wait if she still does too. All and all, I just want us all to be happy no matter what.

That's all that matters.

EDIT:
There's no way that we're going to mend our friendship.
And I'm a silly child thinking that love exists.
It'll never work out between us, Joey. But thanks for the kind words. It really did make me feel better.
Now I'm not afraid to go into this world alone...